a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
