i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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