woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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