dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
