I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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