i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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