Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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