you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
