Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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