I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
