So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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