I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
