just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
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That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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