Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
NoShamevember. You game?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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