Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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