So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
