So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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