you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
