Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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