i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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