life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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