so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
