found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i've created a new STD.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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