using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
