I think I died a long time ago.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize