Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
