god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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