The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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