there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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