Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
