is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
