Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
