Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
