u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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