I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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