You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dignity is for republicans.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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