I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
is wine microwaveable?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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