My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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