I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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