Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
