Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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