dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
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I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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