I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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