she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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