Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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