I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
