We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
