Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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