i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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