the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
