Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
