is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
