Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
