worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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