god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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